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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  July 2, 2014 9:16am-9:48am PDT

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this is "the daily show with jon stewart." captioning sponsored by comedy central [theme music playing] [cheering and applause] >> jon: welcome to "the daily show." my name is jon stewart. we have a good show tonight. our guest tonight, the great bill maher. bill maher will be joining us. [cheering and applause] but first, we turn to the middle east, where a group of sunni islamist militants have formed nation start-up looking to gain market share in iraq. the group is called isis, not to be confused with their early
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'90s incarnation, vanilla isis. [laughter] anyway, the iraqi government has now had a couple tweaks respond to the rebels' incursion. we should be getting news of the iraqi government's triumph right about now. >> isis militants control the borderrary with syria, the border area with jordan and pretty much everything in between. >> jon: right about now. [laughter] wait! did you just blow past everything in between. did you just yadda, yadda the invasion? yeah, isis came in from syria, started sweeping east, yadda, yadda, yadda, the u.n. now recognizes the islamic republic of isis. isis running an entire country, it seems like fun, guys, but i think you're going to learn, running a country is not as easy as it sounds. >> isis militants trying take
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over a hydro-electric dam. >> providing social services and investing in electricity. >> on the streets of mosul, isis militants now direct traffic. [laughter] >> jon: all right. first of all, my guess is that dude is not the top jihadi. i'm sure the leader's like, you, grab your group, move toward baghdad. you, seize the refineries. jimmy, make sure no one blocks the box. as you know, for quite a few years the flow of iraqi traffic was our job. and if you think we're just going to sit here and let islamist radicals recalibrate the "don't walk" signs, well, listen up, mister, you got another thing coming. >> president obama is send small group of american forces into iraq, up to 275 troops. >> jon: 275...
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[laughter] now, there is an effective number of troops to fight an invading force in that part of the world, but it ain't 275. [laughter] >> president obama plans to send 300 u.s. military advisers to iraq. >> jon: that's what i'm talking about. 300 is the exact number of troops. not one less. not one more. 299 you leave a gap. 301 they're tripping over each other's abs. 300! we have arrived. [cheering and applause] so america once again being drawn into the instability of that region, which means it's only matter of time before -- [ darth vader theme music playing] there he is, america's tragedy
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herpe, dick cheney. all right. dick cheney, tell us how we've done everything wrong since you left office, and if you would, do it from in front of a sears portrait studio back drop while your stiff apprentice stands in an eerie silent vigil. go. >> the policies of the last six years have left america diminished and weakened. iran is marching toward a nuclear weapon. al qaeda is resurgent, establishing new safe havens across the middle east, including in iraq, where president obama withdrew all american forces with no stay-behind agreement. >> jon: my point is, if you send federal revenuers up here, we will defend our land. [laughter] isn't that right, silent joe? [laughter] you know what, here's what's upsetting about this guy. bleep guy acts like we were 20 seconds away from total victory in iraq when obama just gives it away at mid-field and then osama bin laden crosses it and isis heads it home.
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god, how did we blow that game? [cheering and applause] by the way, mr. cheney there, who was it that negotiated withdrawal of american forces with no stay-behind agreement and, in fact, bragged about it in 2009. >> we've now entered into a strategic framework agreement with the iraqis that calls for ultimately the u.s. completion of the assignment and withdrawal of our forces with iraq, all of those things i think by anybody's standard would be -- excuse me. evidence of significant success. >> jon: "significant success unless some other guy... [clearing throat] unless some other guy comes in, abides by the agreement that bush and i [clearing throat]
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negotiated. if someone did that it would be tantamount to america rolling over on its back, showing its belly and then are you urinatinn itself. [clearing throat] is america finally tired of dick cheney's disingenuous blame game. >> time and time again history as proven that you got it wrong. you said there was no doubt saddam hussein had weapons and we would be greeted as liberators. with almost 4,500 american lives lost, there what do you say to those who say you were so wrong about sow much at the expense of so many? [laughter] [crying] no, i guess... pretty good. i guess now dick cheney knows what it feels like when he someone he thought was a friend
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shoots you in the face. [cheering and applause] for more we turn to our senior dick cheney correspondent michael che. michael che, what is the latest in >> jon, this weekend i met with cheney to talk with him about his role in the iraq war, the past decade of u.s. foreign policy. and as i sat across from him, bracing for another round of blame shifting. cheney paused. it was as if a decade of tension lifted from his face, leaving only sorrow. >> jon: sorrow? what? >> the dam was breaking, jon. he looked at me not as a politician but as one man to another and said, "michael, i'm sorry. i'm sorry for all the pain that i've caused." >> jon: dick cheney said that? >> yep. and as he nervously fiddled with a button on his able pajamas, he went on to say, "plan that release on unlimited troops and money to stabilize countries we have invaded until those
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countries develop self-sustaining pro weapons democracy is really, really stupid." >> jon: he said "stupid"? >> i'm stupid. >> jon: he said he was stupid. >> end quote. >> jon: so not only is dick cheney so distraught that he's wearing pajamas in the daytime, but he is accepting responsibility for his situation in iraq and everything that we've gotten into. >> look, all i know is that as rainwater dripped down the window, dick cheney put his hand against the pane as he whispered, "what have i done?" [laughter] "what have i done?" >> jon: [bleeped]. michael, what did you say? >> i asked him what he did. and he said, "i ignored the
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region's delicate internal politics and hid behind empty promises that we'd be greeted as liberators." >> jon: unbelievable. >> and then cheney's emotions became too much for mere words. >> jon: really? >> he began to sing softly in a mellen collie tone. >> jon: what? >> ♪ my country is pissed at me i lied about wmd ♪ it's a little clunk year, but he was spitting it off the top. you got give him credit. >> jon: that's incredible. michael, can he sing? >> like a [bleeped] angel. >> jon: tell me you got this on tape. i got see it. >> i got it on tape. what, get the [bleeped] out of here. this is going to make great television when i report all the words you're telling me right now.
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[laughter] [cheering and applause] >> jon: so it's on you the whole time. i know you just started working here and everything, but the camera was on you the whole time, is that what that... >> yeah. oh, yeah, you direct one movie and now you supposed to be spielberg? >> jon: listen, if these are cheney's true feelings, why is he all over the news blaming obama? >> cause he's an asshole, john, tragic asshole, but an asshole nonetheless. >> thank you, michael. michael che, everybody. i'm living the life of dreams. i'm living the life of dreams, with good people all around me. i'm living the life of dreams. no! i'm living the life of dreams. i'm feeling hopefully. feeling quite hopefully, it's right up here, turn right, turn right. with good people all around me. right, right, right, right, right! with good people all around me.
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[cheering and applause] >> jon: welcome back. you know, let me explain this very quickly. iraq is not our only pal in the middle east. there we got our old friend there egypt. yeah. how they doing these days? >> three journalists from al-jazeera have been sentenced to seven years in an egyptian prison. >> found guilty on charges including helping a terrorist organization by publishing lies. >> jon: yes. thank you, general abdel al-sisi. i'm sorry, president sisi, finally bringing the hammer down on terror journalists. [laughter] i'm sure they received a fair trial in the general's court. [people's court theme music
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playing] nothing says innocent until proven guilty by keeping the defendants in cage and having the judge wear sunglasses so you can't see its eyes. justice isn't blind, but it has macular degeneration in the family. let's get to the trial itself. all three of these men, bader mohamed, mohamed fahmy, a canadian egyptian, and peter greste, abaustralian, are respected international journalists some prosecutors must have brought case tighter than king akhenatan's sarcophagus. "this sarcophagus is famous for its tightness." so what is the terror evidence? >> the only evidence, if you want to call it that, that the prosecution has presented has been old video clips, video clips of news conferences, news reports, sometimes news reports from outside of egypt. >> i want to give you a sense of
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what the evidence they presented was. one of them was footage of a trotting horse that was aired by sky news arabia [laughter] >> jon: was it any horse or was it legendary horse terrorist abu who testified >> they're in my neigh-borhood. they're guildy. >> i submit it was of course, of course, of course. egypt's prosecution couldn't even pretend it wasn't a sham. their case is based on some random video clip they probably found on the web. "we got the jail these terrorists and here's a horse and a dog and ba rena suit. we'll throw in a baby dancing. and the prosecution rests." come on egypter, egypt, your evidence has to be more
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compelling. >> the prosecution claimed they had more video evidence, but they also claimed they didn't have the proper equipment to show it. [laughter] >> jon: we have more evidence, but it's on blu-ray. now we could wait for the guy to show up with the hdmi cable, or i could just put you in jail for seven years. you don't have a genius bar, geek squad, sheikh squad? that would work. that's the thing. even more than the corruption of this trial, what bothers me is the laziness. at least have the decency to forge some evidence. it's not that hard. look. oh, my god. it's the reports have an underwater terrorist conference with bin laden and dr. doom. that would be more convincing than the evidence the egyptian court just convicted these men on. by the way, don't think when the people finally rise up against
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[cheering and applause] >> jon: welcome back. my guest tonight, the host of hbo's "real time with bill maher." please welcome back to the program bill maher. [cheering and applause]
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>> thank you. >> jon: sir, how are you? >> i'm good. i was hoping you'd do a little more cheney coughing for me, though. i love that impression. you nailed that, by the way. >> jon: he has phlegm. nobody does cheney phlegm like cheney. >> do a little more. [jon clearing his throat] i love it. i love it. oh, i tell you. >> jon: he's trying to get the intelligence out of... >> that's pretty good. fred travelina does a good one a few years ago. >> jon: he's doing an impression of cheney coughing. i'm doing cheney coughing. >> that's right. that's so true. >> jon: did you ever imagine that we would be sitting here, i don't know, 11 years after invading iraq? >> you were able to use the mess 'o potamia thing again. that really amortized over time,
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because you got to put it up again and use it. very cost effective. >> jon: we had to do graphics back then by hand. this was years ago. we would draw each cell. we had some... >> send them out the italy and japan. >> jon: that's exactly right. we would do an origami mock up of it first. and then we would send it out. >> when i started in tv we used puppets. [laughter] >> jon: what? you were with sid and marty cross all those years ago? >> yes, yes, that's right. >> jon: you remember those shows. i'm not the only one. >> i do. vividly. >> jon: boy, talk about legalizing pot. [laughter] >> i do, quite often, and it seems to have worked. it has worked. >> jon: let me ask you a question: can you point to that? are there things that you have advocated over the years that you feel like, you know what, that has had some effect? we have had some issue in the conversation? >> absolutely. people used to ask me, would you
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ever run for office. that's such a silly question. i could never. and if i did, my slogan would be: drugs are good and religion is bad. [cheering and applause] you can't probably run for office on that in this country, but i feel like the needle has moved on both those. i think people have come over to my way of thinking. drugs are good and religion is bad. i'm going to stick with with that. >> jon: i don't know about the religion thing. do you think this country has moved... i still feel like this for a western country is probably the most religious. >> oh, by far. oh, of course. yes, we're, as is often the case in social issues, a step behind other countries. hillary clinton just said her favorite book was the bible. >> jon: wasn't, that i thought was so... >> you couldn't find something more violent like "game of thrones"?
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that's so a beat behind. that's certainly not where the millennials are. who are the millennials here? [applause] they're not religious. >> jon: that was merely an indication that she's running for president. i don't think in any reality that is her favorite book. >> oh, of course no. no. well, you know what, i don't know about that. you know who is a liar about this is obama. obama's always spouting spiritual bull [bleeped], and i don't believe it for a second. he's a drop-dead atheist, absolutely. >> jon: no. how many years did he spend in reverend wright's church. he spent a long time in chicago... >> he never went. he joined because it was politically necessary. >> jon: he didn't go? >> absolutely no. >> jon: not to the picnics? >> no, nothing. he joined because he wanted to move ahead in that political world, and, of course, you had to be part of the church. jon don't they ?airks this country, if you want to be
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president, you can be gay, a woman, jewish, you can be an atheist -- you can't be an atheist. i find that so bizarre. >> so bizarre and so wrong because it is the single biggest minority in this country. >> jon: atheists? >> absolutely. >> jon: don't be nervous. you are part owner of the new york metropolitans. they are my favorite team. i am as old as they are. when you go to the meeting... >> minority owner. >> jon: you're not a minority. do they consider jews a minority over there? you're not a minority. so when you go over there... >> never in new york. >> jon: can i give you... i have a jar of tears that i have been saving. [laughter] >> could you mix with it dick cheney's phlegm? >> jon: yes! it will be done. have you been to an ownership meeting yet? >> i've never been to a meeting.
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i've been to the stadium a few times since that happened, but this is my first meeting tomorrow. they played awesome this week. i always bring them luck when i come to new york. >> they beat the marlins 3 out of 4, so that's 3 out of 4. laughter >> but they're starting to hit. they're starting to hit. i'm telling you. weirder things have happened. remember the '69 mets? >> jon: the '69 mets were great, but i remember in '73 they were like 14 games behind. it was august. and then tug mcgraw did the whole, "you got to believe," and they charged back. >> weren't they way back in '69, too? >> i don't believe so. they were behind the cubs, but i think they won 100 games that year. they were a very good team. in '73 they were terrible, but the rest of the division was terrible. >> well, they're come-from-behind team. make your own gay joke now. >> jon: well, i'm excited for you. i always go to the last met game of the year. >> come with me some time.
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>> jon: i like to go to the last game, because then me and my son have the run of the place. [laughter] it's just the two of us, literally. if you ever want go to a shake shack with no line, last game of the year, citi field. >> i don't, but thank you. [laughter] >> jon: "real time with bill maher" is friday nights at 10:00 on hbo. on hbo. bill maher. you know that dream...
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>> jon: that's our show. here it is, your moment of zen. >> "game of thrones" is the most
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pirated show of 2013. >> people watch it, right? i don't get it. >> nicole do, you watch this? >> i don't. i don't. i don't like dragons. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the report. welcome. thank you so much. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers and applause )